My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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