Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come back. Shots need mouths.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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