I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
