in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
