Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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