I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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