It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
