Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
