I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
