don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
