god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
