Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
