Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
