who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
