doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
