Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
you had me at cake vodka
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
