Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
tonight lets celebrate not being married
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
