Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
