I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
