i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
