The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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