my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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