I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
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No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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