I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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