Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize