Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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