Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
