Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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