They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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