it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
