It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
