He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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