god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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