That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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