i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
