Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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