i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
