Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
