Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
