she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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