Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
