I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
