8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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