i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
