I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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