I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i've created a new STD.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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