before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
