just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.