im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i drank out of a bidet.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.