So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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