Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
