is your mom at the bar?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
