Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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