I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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