If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
