im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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