I puked a lego.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
