Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
