Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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