i may or may not be watching the land before time
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
