Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
